BAITE PRINCIPLES

*BAITE PRINCIPLES*

So now this the day, my friend Kevin Mwenda da, goes against the normal direction of a moving universe and invites me for lunch. Not in the dingy eat-holes i'm used to, but in this beatiful restaurant called *Ushirika,* where guys in ties, with equally flashy damsels walk out with these lovely toothpicks dangling off their very well manicured lips. I'm drifting directionless in the middle of a totally cleaned up *South b estate,* and I hear this voice saying...hey,this is a chance of a lifetime. Its probably never gonna show up again,soo...what the heck.

I "arrive" at the entrance like that the Late Poxxy Presha on Grammy Awards in L.A. (Rip Proxxy. But this dude wasn't exactly a looker). I'm pocketing like a real Baite and I'm looking downwards like my Mutiiri instructed me to always do, if I want to feel important. I look around for the faintest sign of Kev. and, seeing none, I figure its OK to just get inside, find myself a seat, wring my hands, and pretend to type away frantically on my phone, like I'm fixing this important deal somewhere in mars, where I probably last shipped my last consignment, and haven't been paid yet. 

Once inside, Kawiira welcomes me with this broad smile, and I can tell she's smiling to the wrong bloke...this she ought to have done for Kev.; the guy with the wallet. We go back a loong time with Kawiira, and she asks me how my family is doing, and I say 'weega', wishing she'd just walk away. Then she points me to the direction where they've lined up all these shiny Cutlery and invites me to serve myself to what she calls 'Buffet lunch'. I pat my head like I know what it means, and pretend to end the conversation on my phone with The President of Mars. All this time, I'm praying in tongues for Kev. to show up, so I can follow everything he does. My prayers go unanswered, and I figure God must have left his throne for lunch.

In despair, I decide to just serve myself. I come across this platter where they've placed all these even more shiny objects used in lunch by the polished guys. All I want is a spoon because I don't want to complicate further, an already complicated situation. Finding none (There were a million spoons on the platter, but I found none), I skipped the stop and walked to the dishes. 

Listen. Baites don't show in public, that which they'd prefer to eat in tonnes. A real Baite shows no particular interest in his favorite dish in restaurants. Then he hides, and eats twenty portions of what, just a few moments ago, was offered free. So I come across this yummy Mukimo, my all time favorite dish, complete with it's legendary green color. I drop a little on my plate and proceed to the other dishes that I have no particular interest in. Then I stagger back to my table. Stagger because, I can't understand how I've just walked away from my favorite dish, with so little on my plate.

Moments later, Kev shows up, waves at me, and walks to the dishes like he owns the place. He heaps a Kiera-hill of Mukimo on his plate, then staggers  to our table. Stagger, this time, because he's carrying enough Mukimo to feed a Samburu cow. By the time he gets there, I'm  done with mine, and I don't know how to go back, and get a second helping.

We are in the restaurant for half an hour, and I look like a starving Kunguru. My fingers are all burnt up from picking the little Mukimo I had with my fingers. 

As we walked out, I curse my mutiiri, who's name is also Njakubu, for misadvising me, and swear to ditch to the kerb, all this Ibaite in my head.

Cheers Njakubu. Thanks to you, I keep making costly goofs about food!

*Davido free style writing*

*Acha nikufe naja*