SPARE THE YOUNG ADULTS WHO WISH TO GET MARRIED FROM UNNECESSARY STRESS!

By Reuben Kigame 

This appeal is made primarily to parents and religious institutions. There are a lot of young men and women who wish to enter the marriage institution but are scared to death because:

1. They are made to believe that they must have an expensive wedding for a marriage to begin well;

2. They are made to believe that they must have their ceremony in Church or other religious hall with lots of witnesses or theirs would not be blessed;

3. They are made to believe that they should never have sinned in their lives because marriage is only for the sinless; 

4. They are made to believe that they must have a huge sum of money for dowry before marrying.

As soon as the term “wedding” is mentioned, many young people cringe and no longer desire to commit faithfully to the necessary preparation because the ceremony is made tough and expensive. Most of the young people believe that a good wedding is impossible and when they think it is possible, they already begin to put in place what has come to be known as a “wedding committee” which is simply a fund-raising group whose main agendum is to organize a “pre-wedding” meeting where able friends raise money for the occasion. That is where the frustration begins because most of them are not able to raise enough and relationships are broken because if you cannot contribute heftily during such, you are considered not to be a good friend. People walk out of those ceremonies wounded and wondering what weddings are all about. Occasionally, such committees organize “bridal showers” where quick counsel is given (mostly to the lady) in an hour or two and then she is pronounced ready to be married. This is often accompanied by a few, carefully-selected gifts from women who will be there for her only then in most cases and some only come to have fun and the rare fun of displaying their marital problems by telling the girl how difficult marriage is.

As for the Church, occasionally, this is the time for pastors to preach the Gospel and get quick converts. Some counselors have not been there to encourage chastity and holy living in general before this time, but feel an obligation to check if the two have been chaste. I do support and defend chastity, but if two people have been living together and have a child between them, to refuse to marry them at the stage they humble themselves and come to you confessing they messed up on the chastity count but have decided to commit themselves to one another for life, failure to marry them only complicates things further.

While I advise every young man wishing to get married to finish school or have some career and settle in life before getting married, I believe that this settlement does not imply you must have saved millions in order to get married. I believe that a young man must have something he does for a living and is able to control his spending enough to be accountable in home management. I believe a lady should be at least 21 and able to manage basic home-keeping and must not get married if she is not willing to make a home for her man, whether she is employed or not. I believe wealth is made progressively and so, as long as a man can feed himself and one or two other people, he can get married.

A wedding does not have to be expensive. You can call a pastor/priest to the home of a friend which has enough compound space for us to sit outside and witness the exchange of your vows, if you want, or the signing of a certificate which, nowadays is procured even before the ceremony. Do your medical checkups to ensure your status, assuming that you have dated long enough to know your friend. Please prepare tea and mandazi or sweet potatoes enough for your close friends and relatives.

You don’t have to cut a cake, although there are some fairly inexpensive ones you can even buy at the supermarket, and who said the cake must be iced? By the way, we can even cut Ugali; Kwani? In the past covenants were even made over a piece of roast meat; Kwani? So, the ceremony, in my opinion, does not have to be at a Church. Then, if you want it there, for there is nothing wrong with that, you could even talk to the pastor to allow you to wed during the service or fellowship. Persuade him to make the tea and snacks for you. … Pastors, do not make it difficult by putting demands such as wedding gowns and suits. Let the young people dress smartly and decently and then just wed them. Why torture them to have an expensive set of clothes they will wear only once!? If they can afford, fine; but we must not exasperate them with demands that make their day sad and stressful instead of happy and blissful.

Parents! It is ok to ask the young man to give something as appreciation for taking away your daughter; but don’t name the gift! Let him surprise you. Young men! On the other hand, do not take advantage of the courtesy of parents. Giving away a daughter is not a walk in the park which you do without pain. A gift does not compensate for anything, but it is a kind way of soothing the pain of loss and a way to appreciate all that has gone into preparing a wife for you. The African society had it right when it was said that nobody really completes giving dowry, implying that a marriage relationship was lifelong and, as the young man makes the wealth, he will always bless parents with a gift here or there throughout their lives. Marriage is not a commercial arrangement. 

In my opinion, although vows are good to say during wedding ceremonies, there is nowhere in the Bible where God obligates us to say them. In most cases, anyway, institutions write these vows for those getting married and simply ask them to repeat them, with most couples not having internalized what they mean. The best, in my opinion, are vows the two will say to each other. In any case, they should not be making vows someone else wrote for them. If they don’t know how to do it, then these institutions can help; but I doubt that anyone will fail to go to heaven because he/she did not say vows in a particular way. In fact, on the contrary, I think that many will miss heaven because of making commitments they do not intend to keep. (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7). This passage tells us that it is better not to vow than to vow and then not keep the vow. 

My two cents worth.