SOME OF HILARIOUS QUOTES FROM ROBERT MUGABE

Apart from being one of the longest-
serving African heads of states,
President Robert Mugabe is known for
his witty and sometimes foolish quotes.
Here’s a compilation of some of the
hilarious quotes from the Zimbabwean
President:
1. Any man who successfully convinces
a monkey that honey is sweeter than
banana, is capable of selling condoms
to a Roman father.
2. Dear ladies, if your boyfriend didn’t
wish you a happy Mother’s Day or sing
Sweet Mother for you, you should stop
breastfeeding him.
3. He who swallows a complete coconut
has absolute trust in his anus.
4. Dear sisters, don’t be deceived by a
man who texts you “I miss you” only
when it’s raining, because you are not
an umbrella.
5. Swimming pool is more useful than
Liverpool.
6. If over 15 guys have sucked your
breasts, you don’t need to call those
things “your breasts”. It’s called COW
BELL, OUR MILK! Repeat after me, OUR
MILK!
7. It’s hard to bewitch African girls these
days. Every time you take a piece from
her hair to the witch doctor, either a
Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a
factory in China catches fire.
8. All I hear always is, ‘No sex before
marriage?’ If that was God’s plan, then
you would receive your penis or vagina
on your wedding day.
9. The only warning Africans take
serious is LOW BATTERY.
10. Men sucking lady’s breast is normal
because the act was learnt in childhood
when they were young but the act of
lady’s sucking men’s d*ck is what
baffles me. Where did they learn it
from?
11. Whenever things seem to start
going well in your life, the Devil comes
along and gives you a ‘girlfriend’.
12. When your clothes are made of
cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat
as a friend.
13. If you have attended over 100
weddings in your life and are still single,
you are not different from a canopy.
14. Dating a slim/slender guy is cool.
The problem is when you are lying on
his chest then his ribs draw Adidas lines
on your face.
15. If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop
talking about inner beauty because
men don’t walk around with X-rays to
see inner beauty.
16. Respect pregnant women because
it’s not easy walking around with
evidence that you’ve had sex.
17. Some of the girls of today can’t
even jog for five minutes but they
expect a guy to last in bed with you for
two hours? Your level of selfishness
demands a one-week crusade.
18. I stopped trusting ladies when my
class three girlfriend left me for
another boy all because he bought a
sharpener with a mirror.
19. Nothing makes a woman more
confused than being in a relationship
with a “broke” man who’s extremely
good in bed.
20. Witchcraft is when a 24-year-old
girl who cannot jog for five minutes
expects a 40-year-old man to last for
one hour in bed.
21. Being dumped by a dark-skinned
girl is the worst thing ever, because
anytime you get home and see
charcoal, you become emotional.
22. Women with beauty and no brains, it
is your private parts that will suffer the
most.
23. When one’s goat gets missing, the
aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets
suspicious.
24. It’s better for a man to be stingy
with his money because he hustled for
it than a woman to deny you a hole she
didn’t drill.
25. Even Satan wasn’t gay; he
approached naked Eve instead of naked
Adam. Say no to same-sex marriage.
26. If you are a married man and you
find yourself attracted to schoolgirls,
just buy your wife a school uniform.
27. It is every man’s dream to remove a
woman’s pant one day but NOT when
it’s on a drying line.
28. Virginity is the best wedding gift any
man would receive from his newlywed
wife but lately, there’s nothing as such
any longer because it’ll have already
been given out as a Birthday gift, token
of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church
collection, Examination marking
schemes and for Lorry fares!”
29. Treat every part of your towel
nicely because the part that wipes your
buttocks today will wipe your face
tomorrow.
30. We are living in a generation where
people “in love” are free to touch each
others’ private parts but cannot touch
each others’ phones because they’re
“private”.
31. Sometimes you look back at girls
you spent money on rather than send it
to your mum and you realise witchcraft
is real.
32. If President Barack Obama wants
me to allow marriage for same-sex
couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he
must come here so that I marry him
first.
33. South Africans will kick down a
statue of a dead white man but won’t
even attempt to slap a live one. Yet
they can stone to death a black man
simply because he’s a foreigner.
34. What is the problem? We now have
aeroplanes which can take them back
quicker than the ships used by their
ancestors.
35. Mr Bush, Mr Blair and now Mr
Brown’s sense of human rights
precludes our people’s right to their
God-given resources, which in their
view must be controlled by their kith
and kin. I am termed dictator because I
have rejected this supremacist view
and frustrated the neocolonialists.
36. Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled
in a piece of paper with fire on one end
and a fool on the other end.
37. A brave man is he who has a running
stomach and still wants to flatulate.
38. Journalist: Sir, don’t you think 89
years would be a great time to retire as
a President?
Mugabe: Have you ever asked the
Queen this question or is it just for
African leaders?
39. Interviewer: Mr President, when are
you bidding the people of Zimbabwe
farewell?
Robert: Where are they going?
40. My dear ladies, please don’t buy a
selfie stick when your armpit itself
needs a shaving stick.