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By Salah Abdi Sheikh
Before I decided to dabble in politics, I was essentially a commentator on social issues especially touching on the Somali Community of Kenya. I consider myself, some of sort of expert on my people. When, a journalist asked me to introduce myself, I said my name and the journalist finished my sentences saying and “you love the Somali people of Northern Kenya”. So today, let’s discuss a subject that is close to everyone’s heart; love, or rather the institution of marriage.
The Somalis have made that institution a business enterprise. Parents want to control their children’s choice of spouses to details that are sometimes illogical. We are raising a generation of girls that expect gold and dollars for mahr and a generation of boys and girls who will never enter into a marriage contract knowing the costs involved. We are raising people whose hearts have been broken by disappointments that they have no hand in. The increase in divorce among the young newly married is because of interference and demands by families.
I always thought things about marriage were based on personal preferences and the partners consent and decisions. Then I started looking at my own personal experience and the experiences of others and found that marriage is becoming a hassle that most young people are now terribly scared of. I have friends who scamper at the mention of the idea. Every girl wants a husband, every boy wants a wife and in our liberally polygamous society, every man wants four wives. The problem is the process of marrying has been made into a complex, expensive, confusing, difficult and sometimes with disastrous consequences. Don’t quote me wrong, we have a large group of us who think the process of marrying should be as simple as a father telling the bridegroom, “I give you my daughter with her consent, do you accept?” and the boy saying “yes” and the congregation is dissolved for tea and cakes. Party over, done.
But the majority of the families get crazy once the idea of marriage is mentioned. First “the boy is not from our clan” is the idea that female relatives come up with. I know of ladies of whose mothers are adamant that they cannot marry from a clan other than their own. Then there is “he has no money”, the richer the groom, the better reception he gets. Then the boy’s relatives dislike certain families and start their own sabotage. Woe unto any young girl who brings a married man home, even though her father had more than 10 marriages in his lifetime and her mother was number 10. The innocent bride is chaperoned by great aunts and cousins who fill her mind with illogical demands.
I heard story of this young couple whose parents fought at the wedding hall. The two mothers hurled epithets at each other and the groom’s mother demanded the bride to be divorced there and then. The contention was the boy’s family looked down upon the in-laws. The innocent couple divorced before they went home, probably leaving one another with scars that will take a lifetime to heal.
There is this story of an aunt who demanded that they boy meet certain standards. She personally did the domestic shopping for the house. The young man was of modest means and had to borrow to finance the demands of the greedy aunt. The mother-in-law was an innocent lady who was not aware of the plans a foot. The day, after the wedding the young man confessed to his wife that it will take several years and God’s grace to repay the debt. Expensive weddings, the white gown whose religious symbolism has been lost to most Somalis and bickering relatives have added pain to the young people trying to start a life for themselves.
It is my advice to Somali people that marriage should be simplified. Most of the Western cultural appropriations like party in halls, wedding gowns, gold and dollar mahr, new house and furnishings should be thrown out of the window. Young people should be allowed to marry at no cost to ether of them. The
mahr should be negotiated between them and communicated to the wali (guardian) or the father. There should be no demand for a ceremony, for decorations and all the bling that bankrupt people. If we strip all the nonsense out of it, what remains is just two people who want to spend life together and who have each other for support, that to me is what is makes the institution of marriage solemn.
Salah Abdi Sheikh is a social commentator and a political aspirant for the Wajir Gubernatorial seat.
Before I decided to dabble in politics, I was essentially a commentator on social issues especially touching on the Somali Community of Kenya. I consider myself, some of sort of expert on my people. When, a journalist asked me to introduce myself, I said my name and the journalist finished my sentences saying and “you love the Somali people of Northern Kenya”. So today, let’s discuss a subject that is close to everyone’s heart; love, or rather the institution of marriage.
The Somalis have made that institution a business enterprise. Parents want to control their children’s choice of spouses to details that are sometimes illogical. We are raising a generation of girls that expect gold and dollars for mahr and a generation of boys and girls who will never enter into a marriage contract knowing the costs involved. We are raising people whose hearts have been broken by disappointments that they have no hand in. The increase in divorce among the young newly married is because of interference and demands by families.
I always thought things about marriage were based on personal preferences and the partners consent and decisions. Then I started looking at my own personal experience and the experiences of others and found that marriage is becoming a hassle that most young people are now terribly scared of. I have friends who scamper at the mention of the idea. Every girl wants a husband, every boy wants a wife and in our liberally polygamous society, every man wants four wives. The problem is the process of marrying has been made into a complex, expensive, confusing, difficult and sometimes with disastrous consequences. Don’t quote me wrong, we have a large group of us who think the process of marrying should be as simple as a father telling the bridegroom, “I give you my daughter with her consent, do you accept?” and the boy saying “yes” and the congregation is dissolved for tea and cakes. Party over, done.
But the majority of the families get crazy once the idea of marriage is mentioned. First “the boy is not from our clan” is the idea that female relatives come up with. I know of ladies of whose mothers are adamant that they cannot marry from a clan other than their own. Then there is “he has no money”, the richer the groom, the better reception he gets. Then the boy’s relatives dislike certain families and start their own sabotage. Woe unto any young girl who brings a married man home, even though her father had more than 10 marriages in his lifetime and her mother was number 10. The innocent bride is chaperoned by great aunts and cousins who fill her mind with illogical demands.
I heard story of this young couple whose parents fought at the wedding hall. The two mothers hurled epithets at each other and the groom’s mother demanded the bride to be divorced there and then. The contention was the boy’s family looked down upon the in-laws. The innocent couple divorced before they went home, probably leaving one another with scars that will take a lifetime to heal.
There is this story of an aunt who demanded that they boy meet certain standards. She personally did the domestic shopping for the house. The young man was of modest means and had to borrow to finance the demands of the greedy aunt. The mother-in-law was an innocent lady who was not aware of the plans a foot. The day, after the wedding the young man confessed to his wife that it will take several years and God’s grace to repay the debt. Expensive weddings, the white gown whose religious symbolism has been lost to most Somalis and bickering relatives have added pain to the young people trying to start a life for themselves.
It is my advice to Somali people that marriage should be simplified. Most of the Western cultural appropriations like party in halls, wedding gowns, gold and dollar mahr, new house and furnishings should be thrown out of the window. Young people should be allowed to marry at no cost to ether of them. The
mahr should be negotiated between them and communicated to the wali (guardian) or the father. There should be no demand for a ceremony, for decorations and all the bling that bankrupt people. If we strip all the nonsense out of it, what remains is just two people who want to spend life together and who have each other for support, that to me is what is makes the institution of marriage solemn.
Salah Abdi Sheikh is a social commentator and a political aspirant for the Wajir Gubernatorial seat.
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